Featured image by shinjyu on deviantart.
This is part of my Things We Can Learn from Fictitious Females series of blog posts. I wrote this about 3 years ago…and boy do I wish I had listened to my own advice. Here’s hoping you have better luck 😉
She is formidable, she is ruthless, she is quintessential badass… she is The Bride a.k.a. Black Mamba. She may be a figment of director Quentin Tarantino’s gruesomely bizarre imagination, but you cannot contest that she is probably one of the most remarkable female protagonists to have graced the silver screen. Let’s face it, no one quite does the ‘blood drenched’ look quite the way she does. She’s been voted one of The 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time by Empire magazine (2015) and here’s a random thing or two you can learn from this katana wielding heroine of vengeance…
Lesson Numero Uno: Never date your boss. It’s a rule set in worker etiquette stone that goes as far as to be a contractual given that even if you’re seeing hearts and little bare- bottomed cherubs of ‘lurrrrve’, you absolutely DO NOT date your boss.Besides the whole getting fired thing, or hated by all your colleagues, you could most likely end up being shot in the head like poor Kiddo here. Bloody, gory mess of guts and hearts. Suddenly doesn’t seem worth it, does it?
Lesson Number Two: Always prepare for the worst case scenario. If it’s your special day and you have a few enemies (or peeps you pissed off on Facebook) lurking somewhere in the world, prepare yourself for the likelihood that they will try to rain on your parade and gun you down. In fact, in life people are always trying to do just that, so always be prepared and have a backup plan (or twenty).
Lesson Number Five: Learn endurance. The Bride gets gunned down, shot in the head, buried alive, raped, put into a coma, stabbed, paralyzed, beaten up, spat on, tied up…the list is endless…and let’s not forget the trauma of losing her groom and thinking she lost her baby. If you’re going through something hard in life at the moment, just be grateful it ain’t that! So persevere, maybe?
Lesson Number Six: Stabbing bitches to death is sometimes a mental moral imperative for personal well-being. Well, at least in your head. It’s healthy to act out revenge in your mind, therapeutic even (IN YOUR MIND!!!!).
Lesson Number Seven: Forgive but never forget…yeeeah, that’s gonna get you into a whole lotta trouble. If you’ve been wronged rather be the better person and get a punching bag for any residual anger. You could go all Kiddo on their asses but unless you know The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, chances are you’re just playing the woman scorned and revenge won’t be so sweet. You’ll most likely get yourself into a situation you cannot get out of…like jail perhaps. Let it go! * snowflakes and stuff
Lesson Number Eight: Refuse to lay down and die. No matter what life throws at you. Find a resourceful way to counteract and own it. It takes poise!
Lesson Number Nine: Always make a list. Life is often complicated, enemies innumerable…think ahead and stay focused…lists lists lists.
Lesson Number Ten: Lastly, never underestimate the power of a great hairstyle (EVER) in adding that little bit of extra oomph to the situation at hand. You can opt for scraggly and lifeless (but where’s the appeal in that?) or you could go for something fabulous…because let’s face it, if you’re going to be badass then you need to look the part, right? 🙂
Oh and you might as well learn to speak like a badass too, so I leave you with some of my favorite lines from Beatrix Kiddo (insert hard stare and unusually calm yet unnerving demeanor) :
- ” I am gonna ask you questions. And every time you don’t give me answers, I’m gonna cut something off. And I promise you, they will be things you will miss.”
- “It’s mercy, compassion and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality.”
All photos found on Pinterest.